Sunset

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So here it is, at last. The end.

From this point looking south there is no mass of land again until Cape Horn, the tip of South America.

The sunset was brilliant and all around as. An orange glow painted our eyes and skin and even, it seemed, the air between us. I thought of this as a very significant metaphor. Now we’ve walked New Zealand. Now we’re something different than when we started. Together and separate. Now I am alone.

Now I stand with loss.

In the last couple of years, I feel like I’ve lost a lot. Understanding loss has been difficult. For what would it be without gain, it couldn’t exist. What would I be to dwell when I have so much. To say that I have lost would imply that I once had. I don’t know about that. It was more that I got to be with Lu and Max and Sperry and this partnership with Craig. It was always a fortunate togetherness, of a non-possessive nature. I suppose we had each other, but it was more that we saw and  loved each other with our choices day by day. I don’t know if we ever really have anything.  I feel like it could be a dishonor to all of them not to feel lucky. I’m so grateful of these things. I can still hear them and smell them. I can see them when I close my eyes. They are parts of me.

This sunset was so vivid and so alive in it’s moment. Also, symbolic. May the Earth rest now, may my bones rest too. May it be the beginning of something else. May the vast expansive ocean hold its mystery and may the edge of me bow to the edge of it.

I come to Nelson now to celebrate grateful sadness. I know the ocean will understand.

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I find that now, as I write this in a coffee shop, that I can go back to that sunset when I close my eyes. That it, too, has become a part of me.

Long may we walk.

3 thoughts on “Sunset

  1. You are so amazing my friend! You have lost a lot in the last year…Sperry Chalet, Aunt Lu and Sir Maximus. I am here for you; Montana is here for you and I hope you know that.
    Miss you…what is next?

    Like

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